Fighting For Free Press

I think I need to clarify my previous post just a little bit.  I'm afraid it may have given the impression that I feel angry, misled or deceived.  I assure you, that was not my intention.

I know that my great-grandfather and grandfather were true journalists in the context that they were allowed.  Unfortunately, they were not given the freedom to do what the profession is meant to do.

My great-grandfather believed it was his duty in life to fight for his country.  In fact, he had dreams about being a soldier and fighting for China.  That's why he accepted a teaching position at a military school in Wuhan.  At one point, he even joined the war to unify China.  (*history note: in the early 20th century, China was split into many many areas of land run by warlords.  All the warlords were fighting against each other.  The country was a mess.  So the initial revolution involved Chiang Kai-shek AND the Communists.  Their overall goal was to unify China.  Of course, each had ulterior motives.  They wanted to unify China under their own rule.  It wasn't until later in the 20th century that the Communists split and eventually began the Communist Revolution.)

Okay, back to my original point.  My great-grandfather's love for his country always took priority.  That's why he became a writer, a journalist.  He researched, examined and observed.  Everything he wrote was to give his readers insight into their great nation.  To help his country progress and grow.  He wanted China to have a solid identity, to be able to stand on her own in the world.  He wanted it to be a better place for his children when they grew up.  His motives were noble, I know.  And he was probably a better journalist than I'll ever be.

 My great-grandfather, Tao Xisheng, and two of his sons

There have been days when I've wondered why I'm doing what I do.  Journalism simply is not anymore what it was meant to be.  But as I read (or listen) to more of my father's book and learn more about my great-grandfather, I realize that I do need to carry on his mission.  It may not be done in the same way, but the basic principal is still there.

Journalism in its purest form provides a voice for the people.  We are supposed to speak for those who can't speak for themselves.  We are supposed to keep the powers that be in check, make sure they are not taking advantage of the people.

I know that's a very idealistic view and in today's business world, it's simply not realistic.  But we still have to fight for it.  What other profession is protected in the First Amendment?  We are fortunate enough in this country to have a free press.  We must continue striving to uphold that privilege.

My great-grandfather...and my grandfather...were great journalists in their own sense and for their time.  If they were able to do it in a repressed society, fighting government oversight and censorship, then we can certainly do it here, in the United States.

I hope this clears up any confusion from my prior entry.

Is it Journalism? Or is it Propaganda?

A couple of months ago, my father told me something about my great-grandfather, and even my grandfather for that matter, that really made me think about my career.

Before I get into that, a little background on how I chose my profession.  When I was growing up, I wasn't allowed to watch a lot of television.  Some cartoons here, a movie there.  Mostly, I watched the news.  When we got a video camera, I would "broadcast" my own newscasts from the coffee table.  I'd highlight what we had for dinner or where we were going for the day.  During Christmas, I went "live" from our Christmas tree explaining how there were different types of Christmas carols.

When I went to college, it was only natural that I study journalism.  I went to Mizzou because my grandfather was accepted to its journalism school when he was young, but did not have the money or means to leave China.  So I was fulfilling his destiny, if you will.  I loved every moment of my experience there and on most days, I love my job now.  I always thought I was meant to work in journalism.  My great-grandfather was a writer, published in numerous magazines and newspaper in his day.  My grandfather also worked for magazines in China.  My own father is routinely published in newspapers in the U.S. (Chinese ones) and in China.  I truly believed continuing the family tradition was my fate...journalism was in my blood.

Until my father told me technically...technically, both my great-grandfather and grandfather helped spread propaganda

You know, that dirty word in the world of journalism.

Now, I suppose in China, there is no true journalism.  It is all propaganda.  My great-grandfather even became the director of propaganda at one point.  Not for the Communists, but for the Kuomingtang.  My grandfather had an amazing understanding of the English language so during the Cultural Revolution, he was forced by the Communists to spread its propaganda in English.  So it really wasn't his choice.

Nevertheless, I can't help but feel like I was led astray in a way.  Here I was, thinking I was continuing a great family tradition.  Only to find out my ancestors did the very thing that true journalism frowns upon.

Don't get me wrong, I still think my great-grandfather was an amazing man.  Reading (or listening to) my father's book is making me realize his strength in character.  He was so strong and stayed so firm to his convictions during such a difficult time in Chinese history.  He never wavered from his beliefs: never judge one's appearance, always strive to be intelligent and treat others with respect and you will receive it in return.

My grandfather as well.  But I wonder, if my grandfather had the opportunity to attend the University of Missouri School of Journalism, would he have gone back to China, where journalism is synonymous with propaganda?  Would he have taken part in that...even if he didn't have a choice?  Would he have gone on to do something else?  Of course, I don't want to think about that too much because if my grandfather had gone, I would not be here.

I still love what I do...most of the time.  And I'm glad I chose this profession...again, most of the time.  But I guess knowing my path was not as paved as I previously thought, takes some of the pressure off.  And that does feel really good.

Incomparable Strength

Once again, I knew this was coming, but I was not prepared for the flood of emotions that would rush out of me when it did.

My father had warned my that my great-grandmother would lose another child.  He even told me who it was.  But again, I felt unprepared for the loss.  It was Xiang Lai, my great-grandmother's second son.  While I wasn't as attached to him as I was to Li Zhu, who died in chapter 8, I think what made this loss extremely difficult was knowing the entire family felt it.

When Li Zhu passed away, my great-grandmother was living at Tao Sheng Lo, her mother-in-law's house.  She was left to grieve alone.  My great-grandfather was away studying at a university.  He didn't even know she died.  Because my father had spent so many chapters introducing us to Li Zhu, I felt as if I knew her and the loss was very personal.  Xiang Lai, on the other hand, was not a very central character in the book.  I did not feel the same attachment to him.  But I do feel it toward my grandmother, NaiNai, who was only nine-years-old at this time.  Seeing the death through her eyes, her fear, her confusion and her sorrow made this loss very real and painful.

But something beautiful came out of it.  My great-grandparents both felt responsible for Xiang Lai's death.  They grieved in very different ways.  My great-grandfather poured himself into work, to create the life he was not able to provide for Xiang Lai for his other two children.  My great-grandmother worked through her sadness by caring for other children Xiang Lai's age, which was four.  She realized she never made Xiang Lai a single new piece of clothing when he was alive, so she made clothes and donated them to a nearby church, to make sure other children his age got new clothes to wear.  She also made meals for other young children so they wouldn't go hungry.

Where she found the strength to keep going, I'll never know.  My great-grandmother was a remarkable woman.  She probably never knew a life without suffering.  She spent her life working through every imaginable hardship.  Yet she was still able to help others through her generosity.  I just hope she is able to see that through her strength and perseverance, she was able to provide a better life for her great-granddaughter.  Every luxury, every good thing I have in my life right now, I owe to my great-grandmother.

Diving Between The Pages

Today I'm going to pause from my normal blog about translating my father's book.

On Wednesday, I was listening to The Takeaway, one of my favorite "current news" programs on NPR here in OKC.  They were discussing e-books.  A publishing company had recently announced it will be focusing
primarily on developing its e-book brand.  The company will no longer be printing paperbacks.  Instead, paperback novels will be provided on an on-demand basis only.

Whaaaaaat?

Don't get me wrong.  I think there is a market out there for e-readers.  You know, those technologically-savvy people who have an i-this and i-that or some gizmo that orders your takeout, does your homework, maybe even feeds your dog.

No, I'm being cynical.  I would probably enjoy an e-reader if I received one as a gift.

You see, I absolutely love to read.  Not a day goes by that I don't pick up a book, pull open the cover and thumb through the pages.  I love the feeling of getting lost in someone else's words  The feeling of floating outside of myself and into the world of their creation and leaving behind my overly-structured, overly-controlled, overly-articulated life.

What I thought was going to be a temporary step onto my soap box immediately after I heard the news story turned into three days of contemplation.  I've mostly been thinking about my love affair with books.  Note, I said books, not reading.  I know reading will always be around, but if other publishing companies follow the example of the one featured in the piece, which an interviewee said they would, then what will become of some of my most prized possessions?

I tried to think back to my first visit to the library, but I think I was too young.  What I do remember perfectly clearly was my favorite show as a child.  Call me a nerd but I never missed an episode of Reading Rainbow.  Not only did it introduce you to new books, the show also showed you real life examples of the topics of books.  One of my favorites was when LeVar Burton brought us to the Boston Museum of Fine Arts and showed us the extensive mummy collection.  The book featured in that episode was Mummies Made In Egypt.  And who can forget the kids at the end?  I wanted so badly to be one of the kids talking about a book they had recently read.  I used to practice.  After I finished a book, I would practice what I would say if I got to be on Reading Rainbow.  Then I would end it with...say it with me..."But you don't have to take my word for it."

Little did I know, a TV show would shape my future love of books.  A little ironic, isn't it.  To me, books provide more than just entertainment.  Books give us an experience.  Trips to the library, getting lost in the stacks, smelling the dust.  The crack the spine makes when you open a brand new book, your fingers getting black from the ink on the newly printed pages.  Holding the corner of the page because you absolutely cannot wait to flip and see what happens next. Curling up in a comfy chair and getting lost as you dive between the pages.

 And it's not just the personal experience.  One of my favorite things to do is recommend great books to friends.  I love pulling a book off my shelf, handing it to a friend, watch him, usually her, gaze at the cover, run their fingers over it and decide they're going to give it a try.  Books can help build community, whether it's sharing books like me, or making new friends at the library or the book store.  In our ever-becoming isolated world, we simply can't afford to lose a force that can potentially bring people together.

I have no doubt I will get an e-reader at some point in my life.  I just love reading too much.  And I've heard great things about it, particularly the ability to carry so much reading material in one little device.  I just hope the market for the traditional book doesn't get diminished in the process.

And just to tie into the rest of this blog, a look at the book cover for my father's book.  A celebration of his work.  Imagine how anti-climatic it would have been for him if it was just a thumbnail on the internet as you download your e-book.

Getting Back To My Father's Book

Wow!  It's been so long since I've updated this blog.  This summer has been so busy, between my vacations and co-workers' vacations, which mean I have a forever alternating work schedule, I just have not had time to concentrate on this project!  But now, I'm back at it.  I spent three hours on the phone with my father yesterday and got two interesting blog topics to write about.  What I'm focusing on today is mostly historical.  1927 was really a turning point in Chinese history, particularly how it led to the fall of the Kuomingtang and the Communist Revolution.  (Keep in mind, I'm writing this as a descendant of so-called "Communist traitors.")

For many years, China was split into states, all of them controlled by warlords.  In 1926, the Kuomingtang began what was called the Northern Expedition, which was an effort to unify China.  It began in the south and moved north, hence the name.  The Communist Party, which was smaller at the time, joined in on the effort.  During this period, the Communist Party consisted of a lot of peasants and it was still relatively disorganized so most of its movements were somewhat chaotic.

In April of 1927, Chiang Kai-shek, who was an important military leader then, announced he wanted the Kuomingtang to separate from the Communist Party.  As a result, many of the Communists were caught and executed.  A few months later, in July, the Kuomingtang officially announced it was going to split from the Communist Party.  The Communists retreated from Wuhan quietly.  It was from here on out that the Communist Party was declared an illegal organization.

However, just because they were no longer "in power" the Communists did not stop organizing.  In fact, it was probably because they were forced to retreat that anger and resentment grew.  The party recruited peasants and other uneducated people who were unhappy with the way they were treated by the wealthy.  Therefore, the Chinese Communist Party become the force that eventually overthrew the Kuomingtang.

Back to 1926-1927, Wuhan served as a center for all of this activity.  This was when my great-grandfather joined the movement and served as an instructor at a military school there.  He supported the idea of a unified China.  However, he was mortified by the amount of unnecessary violence the Communist Party used to gain control.  When the Kuomingtang announced the separation, my great-grandfather was afraid he would be captured by the Communists so he went into hiding with his family.  They rented a small apartment in another section of Wuhan and used another name for a while.  It wasn't until the Kuomingtang took complete control of Wuhan that my great-grandfather and my family were able to lead somewhat normal lives again.

This was always a very confusing part of Chinese history for me.  I wasn't aware the Kuomingtang and the Communist Party worked together for a while.  I remember my LaoLao (my mother's mother) telling me when she was young, she was a part of the Communist Party.  I was shocked because I know my grandfather, her husband, died at the hands of the Communists during the Revolution in the 1960s.  Now I understand.  At one point, the two parties were mixed, supposedly fighting for the same goal on the surface, while each secretly wanted to gain total control of the country.

Through this process, I am not only learning about my family's history, I'm learning so much more about Chinese history as well.  And what I wrote here is an over-simplified version of events.  China's history is so much more complicated than I think I will ever understand.  I just hope I can get enough insight to know where I come from.

Revisiting Emotions

After several busy weeks at work, I am finally back on a normal schedule and back to working on my father's book.  I have to admit, and I know my father reads this, but I was bored for a few chapters because they were mostly historical. 

Then today, that all changed.  Chapter 32 brought me back to the early chapters of the book.  The ones that I enjoyed so much...when my great-grandmother was first married and living in her mother-in-laws house.   She returned to the house after several years away in Shanghai, living with her husband, my great-grandfather.

Before I get too ahead of myself, here's a peek at what led to this.  My great-grandfather left his publishing job in Shanghai to join the revolution.  He accepted a position at a military school in Wuhan.  The revolution was picking up speed and soon war broke out.  It was making its way to Wuhan, so my great-grandfather had to join the battle.  For their safety, my great-grandmother took the children and returned to her mother-in-law's house.  It was as if nothing had changed.  Her mother-in-law immediately blamed my great-grandmother, saying she did not do enough to keep my great-grandfather from war.  She said my great-grandmother killed him, sent him to his grave for "allowing" him to join the military.  She ordered my great-grandmother to go find him and bring him home.  Fortunately, to protect the family line, her mother-in-law allowed my great-grandmother to leave her two older children at the house.

Before she left, my great-grandmother went to visit Li Zhu's grave.  You'll remember, Li Zhu was her oldest daughter, who had died several years earlier, at the end of Chapter 8.  My great-grandmother's pain and heartache was still so fresh.  Despite the years that had passed, she never once forgot about Li Zhu.  The raw emotion was overwhelming.  My eyes were so filled with tears as I listened to this passage, I could not see the computer keys or what I was typing on the screen.

Nothing in their lives were easy.  It was a constant struggle to survive.  And, this is just the beginning.  The worst is yet to come.  Nevertheless, my great-grandparents managed to lead a life filled with integrity and honor.  They passed onto their children that same sense of sincerity and virtue.  My grandmother instilled the same into my father.  Now, I can only hope that I carry some of those qualities as well.

Long Overdue

I just saw the date of my last post...April 19th.  Yikes!  It's been a while.

I actually feel really bad about not posting more often.  The project is progressing along quite nicely.  I'm done with nearly 30 chapters.  But I've had so many thoughts running through my head for this blog that it just became entirely too overwhelming and I found myself just avoiding it.

There's actually a little guilt involved as well.  What's been wonderful is the deep understanding I'm gaining for my family, my history and my culture.  But there is one thing I just can't get out of my head.  This isn't something that's new to me.  I've wondered it before.  It's a cultural thing that I don't think I will ever understand.

Why don't Chinese couples speak to each other with any warmth?

Okay, that's a gross over-generalization, but haven't you ever wondered "Why are those Chinese people yelling at each other?"  "Why are they mad at each other" or "That Chinese couple must be fighting."  I've been asked those questions many times.  The truth is, most of the time, they're not furious with one another, they're just having a conversation.

My parents did this when I was growing up.  As we've assimilated into American society, they slowly grew out of it and now they're love for each other is very obvious.  Not that I ever doubted it, but it's much more evident in the way they talk to each other now.

Perhaps part of it is the way my father is reading his story.  I made fun of him in the beginning of this process, saying he's a great storyteller but his narrating falls a bit flat.  I agreed with him when he said he was going to present the book to me as straight forward as possible.  But the words he uses give me the same feeling.  While there's no question my great-grandmother and great-grandfather were deeply devoted to one another and their family, their choice of words and the tone makes it seem otherwise.

For example, at one point in the book, my grandmother hugs her mother and asks if she loves her father.  Simple question, right?  One every child asks their parent at some point.  In America, if a child were to ask that question, the parent would most likely answer, "Yes, I love your *insert appropriate noun here* very much."  Maybe not in those exact words, but something close.  Instead, my great-grandmother acted annoyed, brushed off the question and ordered my mother to bed.

Now, of course, there's the old adage - actions speak louder than words.  And I agree with that entirely.  What good are the words if you don't back them up?  But I still don't think there's anything wrong with assuring your children/spouse/significant other that you love them.

Like I said, there's no real answer to this question.  It's just one of those big differences between cultures.  Something I will never come to understand.  In this way, I'm happy I was raised in a country where it's okay to show your feelings for someone else, where it is, in fact, encouraged.

I love my parents, my family, my friends and I am not afraid to say it!

Here's a look at some of the people in my beautiful family:

My mother, me, my great-grandfather, my father, my uncle

My guess is this was probably 1987 or so (despite the fact that my pants say it's 1973)

A Blossoming Relationship

In the 27 years of my life so far, I have never been able to keep a plant alive.  Several years ago, I tried to raise a spider plant, which I was told is impossible to kill.  Well, one day, I put it out on the patio and forgot about it.  Then, it rained for three days straight.  A couple of years ago, when we had just started dating, my boyfriend bought me the most beautiful red orchid.  He asked the florist for very specific instructions on how to care for it.  But, I went out of town two weeks after receiving this incredibly thoughtful gift, turned my air conditioner off in the middle of July, and it sweat to death.  Last year, I received a tomato plant and a little herb planter with basil, oregano, thyme, and Italian parsley.  I managed to keep the herbs alive for two months, but I did not get a single tomato.

Now, onto this year.  I'm determined to keep things alive!  I planted some basil and sage and yellow peppers (I have officially given up on tomatoes).  I also bought a couple of begonias and a limelight dracaena.  Keeping my fingers crossed that this year will be the year, because despite all my failed attempts, I just know I love plants and I would love to have a successful garden.

What does this have to do with my father's book, you ask? 

I just finished a chapter where my father talks about my great-grandmother's love for gardening.  When she lived at Tao Sheng Lo with her mother-in-law, she did not have the freedom to garden.  That was a job left up to the servants.  But when they moved to Shanghai, my great-grandmother managed to turn their tiny little courtyard into a beautiful flower garden.  Her favorite flower was the rose.   She had lovely rose bushes with big blooming pink, yellow, and deep red roses.  What I love about her, among many other things, is what she did with the roses.  She planted them, cared for them and, of course, admired them.  She plucked them and put them in vases around the house.  But, after they would wilt, she would pull the petals and put them in water to preserve the fragrance.  Then, when the water would evaporate and the petals would dry, she would crush them and make what we would now consider little potpourri pouches.  Brilliant woman, my great-grandmother.

Maybe it sounds silly and shallow, but I like knowing that I share this love for gardening with my great-grandmother, even though my skills could take a little more cultivating.  While I admire and respect her will and strength, I know I will never completely understand what she went through in life because I will never have life experiences as difficult or as frightening as hers.

But through a love for gardening, I can connect with her just a little and possibly experience a tiny fraction of her life.

Good People

Before starting this process, I knew very little about my great-grandfather, Nai Nai's father.  I knew he was famous and very smart.  I knew he was one of the top leaders in the Nationalist Party, working with Chiang Kai-shek.  But I did not know who he really was.  What kind of man was he?  Husband?  Father?

As I've mentioned in the earlier posts, I strongly identify with my great-grandmother.  But I'm at a place in the book now where my father is beginning to focus more on my great-grandfather.  Just based on what I've read so far, I have such a deep admiration for him.

I must admit, during the first several chapters of the book, when he was away at Beijing University, I almost resented him.  He left my great-grandmother alone, to live in a house where she was terrorized every day by her mother-in-law and sisters-in-law.  But just when I really began to ask where the heck was my great-grandfather, my father would include enough little nuggets to show his strength of character and renew my trust in him.  Even though tradition bid against it, he vowed to care for his daughters and build a life for his family.  In order to get his wife away from that horrifying environment, he moved the family to Shanghai where he had a job as an entry-level editor at a publishing house.  He made very little money.  But yet, this man, who grew up in a wealthy home, worked for every penny he earned.

The last several chapters have given me great insight into my great-grandfather's brilliance.  (I'm on chapter 20, by the way)  Two major incidents have happened so far.  First, my great-grandfather was able to stop the sale of a huge Shanghai factory to a German company.  Representing two big stakeholders of the company, my great-grandfather went to a stakeholders meeting and essentially said the company was breaking its own policy by agreeing to the sale without a vote.  And the two-thirds majority needed for a sale actually voted against it.  Had my grandfather not stood up at that meeting and spoken up, the company would have been sold to Germany.  Because of that, my great-grandfather became famous, almost overnight.

The second major incident involved an article he wrote.  On May 30, 1925, labor workers protested in the streets of Shanghai.  Shanghai Municipal Police officers (made up of British officers) opened fire and killed several workers.  As you can imagine, this caused massive fury among Chinese people.  How can foreigners come to China and kill Chinese people?  My great-grandfather, having studied law at Beijing University, was asked to write an article about how these British officers broke British law.  His article appeared in the largest Shanghai newspaper at the time.  As a result, he was taken to court by the British consulate.  I don't know what happens next because this is about as far as I've gotten.

I have to say, what's impressed me the most, so far, have been the conversations my great-grandfather has had with Nai Nai, who is only three-years-old at this point.  For example, I mentioned how my great-grandfather worked very hard for every penny.  Despite his family's wealth, he did not get anything from them.  Therefore, he and his family lived a modest life.  My great-grandfather wore a lot of old clothes.  On numerous occasions, my great-grandfather was treated poorly based on his appearance.  He told Nai Nai each time, never judge people based on what they look like on the outside.  It's their mind, intellect, character that's important.  Treat people with respect and you will receive it in return.

It makes me feel good to know this is where I come from.

 My great-grandfather with two of his sons

Making Up for Lost Time

I feel terrible.  I've been neglecting this project for a couple of weeks now.  I went on vacation and did not have time to work on the book at all.  So this weekend, I've been playing catch up.

What's interesting to me in this process is when I began I thought would really enjoy the chapters about NaiNai and focus mostly on those.  But now, my favorites are the chapters about my great-grandparents.  I suppose it's the hopeless romantic in me.  I see their story is a love story.  It's the story of a family that was struggling under the hand of a repressive matriarch, so they escaped to start a life of their own.  I'm finding myself looking forward to these chapters the most.

Through reading these chapters, I'm discovering where NaiNai found her strength.  She got it from her mother, my great-grandmother.  Here was a woman who was betrothed to a man she had never met.  On her wedding day, he was not there.  Instead, she launched right into her life as the daughter-in-law.  Her mother-in-law was the head of the house.  She was a strict, traditional woman who believed her only goal in life was to produce as many sons for the Tao family as possible.  My great-grandmother was beaten, put down, and consistently humiliated by her mother-in-law and two sisters-in-law.  When my great-grandmother failed to give birth to a boy, she was essentially shunned from the house.  Aside from the work she was required to do, she was otherwise ignored.  When she was pregnant again, no one was around to help her.  She had to go through the childbirth alone.  Then, as if that wasn't bad enough, she lost her first daughter to disease.  Again, she was alone, this time in her grief.  My great-grandfather was away at school and her mother-in-law did not allow her to write him a letter, letting him know about their daughter's death.  Immediately after, NaiNai got sick as well.  My great-grandmother had to travel to Wuhan, a big city, all by herself to find a doctor for a cure.  Where did she find the strength?  Where did she find the courage?  Did I mention she was younger than I am now when she went though all of this?

I am meeting so many extraordinary women through this journey.  This makes me extremely proud to be a part of this family.  I know that my great-grandfather did amazing things as well and he was a very powerful man.  But I simply identify more with these incredible women who survived so much.  They fought for their families.  If I can have half as much fortitude as they did in my lifetime, I will consider myself very lucky.

 Here's my great-grandmother with some of her children.  NaiNai is on the far left.

Historical Context

I remember watching a documentary when I was young about an event I knew very little about. It's referred to as the Rape of Nanking or the Nanking Massacre. I remember being absolutely horrified at the atrocities being committed by Japanese soldiers.

Let me preface this by saying I, personally, feel no hatred or disdain for Japanese people. I understand what happened then has little to do with people now. However, I get asked a lot, why do Chinese people hate Japanese people? I believe this may be one of the reasons why. Keep in mind, this is simply a blog, not a historical text so much of this is opinion and events from my point of view.

In 1937, Japan invaded China and started taking over cities. Nai Nai's family was caught up in this and forced to move from city to city to escape the Japanese. They were brutal. If you type Nanking Massacre into google, you'll find numerous articles about the event. Some estimates say 300,000 Chinese people were killed during the 6 week period. I won't go into great detail here, but it is shocking to think of the viciousness and cruelty the Japanese soldiers were capable of. They went door-to-door, searching for women to rape. Not just young or middle-aged women, they went after elderly women, pregnant women, young girls, even infants. After they raped them, some gang-raped, they killed them, sometimes mutilating them first. I think what is most disturbing about all this, is the amount of documentation. I'm not talking about news articles or journals kept by people who lived through it, or even their personal accounts by memory. I'm talking about photos of Japanese soldiers holding up severed heads and smiling, standing over dead bodies looking pleased. What a dark time in China's history, and one that so few people know about.

When I watched the documentary as a child, I didn't make a connection to my own family living through that time. While my father's book does not discuss the violence directly, he makes reference to it. In fact, my great-grandfather, Nai Nai's father was a government official at the time who got caught in the middle. You see, Japan took advantage of a country that was already weak and torn. Japanese occupation only further ripped the country apart, with some supporting a military defense, others supporting negotiations. My great-grandfather was somewhere in between. He already left Chongqing, which is where the Chinese government was stationed during the war. That was viewed as a betrayal. Yet, he did not know if negotiations would be successful. Either way, he felt like he had signed a death sentence.

I just finished the chapter where my great-grandfather leaves his family in Hong Kong and goes to Shanghai to join the negotiations. He doesn't know if he'll ever come home.

 

 Nai Nai's family, my great-grandfather is on the right

Chapter 8

I just wrote the last sentence to chapter 8, something that took me 5 days.

I knew this chapter would be different from all the other ones before it. Chapters 1-7 gave me a little insight to my grandmother as a young woman. It's funny because I always pictured her as this extraordinarily strong woman, but in the first and fifth chapters, my father introduces her as a slightly spoiled teenager. I enjoyed it because I could certainly relate to her much better. In the chapters in between, I heard about my great-grandparents, their arranged marriage and their great respect for one another that turned into love. I learned about my great-grandfather's great love and dedication to his daughters, despite his own family's disgust that they were girls.

While reading one of the earlier chapters, I found out something about my family I never knew before. My grandmother had an older sister. My father always said Nai Nai was the oldest of 7 children. He never mentioned an older sister. So when my great-grandmother gave birth to her first child, I thought it was my grandmother, until I discovered the name. Unfortunately, I knew this could only mean one thing.

Like I mentioned earlier, I knew chapter 8 was going to be different because my dad sent it as two separate audio files. He mentioned he got choked up and wasn't sure how to pause the recorder so he stopped it. I thought I was mentally prepared for what was to come.

Little did I know, I would be sitting in the middle of a bookstore, crying my eyes out as I translated. I should have known better than to grow attached to Nai Nai's sister. I knew she wasn't going to survive, yet I let myself love her so much. When she passed away at the end of chapter 8, I took it very personally. She was only 3-years-old. I eventually left the bookstore, afraid I was making too big of a scene with my tear-soaked napkins and noisy sobs. I called my dad barely able to speak. My heart just ached for my great-grandmother who couldn't do anything to stop this disease that took her daughter's life and for the little girl whose short life was already filled with so much pain.

Right now, I'm about to begin chapter 9. This time I'm staying at home, armed with tissues because my father told me to be prepared.

So...here we go.

Taking One Step Back

So before I get too far into the translation process, I thought I'd give a little background.

My father's book in Chinese is called Suo Na Yan Chen. Suo Na is a Chinese instrument. Wikipedia refers to it as a Chinese oboe. Yan Chen is the dust kicked up by your feet when you walk. These are references to my great-grandmother's wedding day, which I'll talk more about another time, when I actually start getting into the chapters.

The book is set up like this: every 5th chapter is about Nai Nai as a teenager. The chapters in between are about her parents, my great-grandparents. At first, I didn't know how interested I would be in the chapters about my great-grandparents. But so far, I've enjoyed those the most!

Here's what I already knew about Nai Nai before I started the book. Her favorite book was Tess of the D'Urbervilles. She was the oldest of 7 children and the only girl. Her father, my great-grandfather, worked as an adviser to Chiang Kai-shek, the leader of the Nationalist Party in China during the early 20th century. Because of my family's ties with the Kuomingtang, they were forced to escape to Taiwan when Mao Zedong led the Chinese Communist revolution. My grandmother, though, chose to stay in mainland China for my grandfather. At one point, my grandmother was accepted to a university in England, but she did not go. I'm not too clear as to the reason why. Finally, my grandmother was a great moving force in my father's life, both in her life and in her death.

That's not very much and I'm unsure of a lot of the details. In fact, I don't even know how many of those details are actually true and how many have gotten lost in my brain over time. It's too bad I didn't listen more carefully as I was growing up. (My dad is reading this blog so maybe he can add some insight.)

So far, I've translated 8 chapters. Some of them easier than others. My father included a lot of historical events. Everything in the book is true. In addition, my father wrote his book to appeal to the Chinese reader, who wants to read about historical facts rather than develop emotional attachments to compelling people and stories. And since the Tao family is relatively well-known in Chinese history, my father made sure he wrote this book using the highest level of classical Chinese, so there are a lot of terms I don't understand. But even through all that, he has this amazing ability to create characters that I'm really bonding with. I like to think it's not just because my father is a brilliant storyteller, but more because these people aren't merely characters...they're my ancestors, my family, my blood.

Yesterday, after starting this blog, I asked my dad to email me some photos of my grandmother. I feel like to see her is to know her.

I'll start with a photo that features my two inspirations for this great personal journey:


Yes, I know...I thought the exact same thing when I saw this picture for the first time. My father was such a cute little baby and Nai Nai was absolutely beautiful!

I'm just so glad I'm old enough now to appreciate how lucky I am to have such a rich family history. And one that has been captured so well through words passed down through the generations. I only hope to continue this tradition in my own way.

Getting Started

My father is a writer. Unfortunately for me and, in my opinion, other American readers, he writes in Chinese. All of his books are published in China and Taiwan. His greatest piece of work is the book he wrote about his mother, who I call Nai Nai. That book is the inspiration for this blog.

I remember when he started writing this book. I had just started high school and was too busy trying to be American to really care. I grew up hearing my dad's stories about our family's history, so I usually just feigned interest, rolled my eyes and sighed loudly.

It wasn't until recently that I began to think about Nai Nai's life. This woman, who died when my father was a teenager during the Chinese Cultural Revolution, was such a mystery to me. Sure I've heard my dad say she led a remarkable life. She was incredibly strong during a very difficult time in Chinese history. With everything going against her, she was able to rise above and continue to live her life with class and dignity. But that's all so general! Who was she really? I can see the black and white photo my dad hangs in his office perfectly in my head. What an embarrassment. Not only am I a granddaughter who doesn't know a thing about her grandmother, I am a daughter who has never even read her own father's book.

So, a couple of months ago, I decided to start this journey. I asked my dad to read his book and record it for me. Right now, I'm translating the chapters into English. The goal is to someday write a book about Nai Nai's story myself. I know my father never wanted his book translated into English so it could be published in the United States. He probably felt it was too personal and the emotional attachment would get lost in translation. More importantly, he probably waited because he wanted me to write it. Well, scratch that "probably" because I know he's always wanted me to write it. And that's most likely the reason I've avoided the subject for as long as I did.

It's incredibly intimidating. From just the writing standpoint, this will be challenging enough. I spent the last 7 years of my life writing at a 4th grade level for TV news viewers. But, personally...I just don't know what to expect. My mother once told me, while my father wrote this book, there were nights he would cry himself to sleep. While telling his mother's story was one of the most important things he had to do in life, it was also one of the hardest. He essentially had to relive all of her pain and suffering. She grew up during the Japanese invasion of China and died during the Communist takeover. What will all of this mean to me?

This blog is a journal of my experience as I explore Nai Nai's life. I'm still working on a title and how I want to chronicle this. After all, if the book ever gets published (fingers crossed!) I don't want to give away too many details about the book itself.